Wednesday, 6 May 2015

Keep moving

Such beautiful days we've had this week.  The sky is blue, the water clear and the air crisp.  The birds are chirping and the feeling in the air is calm. 

I've been paddling, walking, doing yoga and attempting to get out of bed before the boys to practise sun salutation; not having too much luck there, but I'm moving.  Moving makes me feel better, helps me remember to breath deep and live every day as best I can and to be grateful for the beauty in our everyday life.  Its everywhere if only we take a moment to stop and see.  Try it tomorrow and see for yourself.

I took this photo on my morning walk today , it is looking down Flinders Beach towards Straddie.  It was such a magnificent morning and the reflection off the water was blindingly beautiful. 

After having a few down days I woke up this morning feeling quite energised and happy.  Got the kids off to school without a hitch and had the morning to myself knowing that I was going for a walk and going to my yoga class.  I don't understand why my brain decided to head butt me from within and remind me graphically that Adam was no longer here with me.  Why does that happen?  Why is it that just when I feel a glimmer of happiness, lightness even slip into my conscious that the rug is pulled out from under me and I hit the deck like a bag of you know what?   I can't figure out if  I'm still in denial (Shit, I'm still at stage one)!   Its like I'm skipping along with my head in the clouds one minute and then BAM! I remember whats happened, how my life is now, the feelings of loss and emptiness.  It stops me dead in my tracks....  I then take a deep breath, put one foot in front of the other, feel the warm tears trickle down my cheeks, sob, squint and wipe the tears away and keep on walking.  Start again. 

The boys have been doing remarkably well, although last night was an emotional one for Joel, the first one since before he was away at camp.  I thought he was doing OK, but again, when you least expect it he starts crying and asking all the hard questions.  "Where is Daddy"?  "When is he coming home Mum, when"?  "Where is he"?  "I want him to come home Mum" "Mum"!....... Me too Joel, me too.

How do I answer those questions?   I don't have strategies, I don't know what to say, what is the right thing to say?  I usually tell him that Daddy is in Heaven with all the other Angels and that one day we will see him again.  I don't think he's buying it.

We have our first Psychologist appointment this week.  Apparently she is one of the best in the business and who specialises in Grief counselling for children.  My fingers are crossed that she can help the boys and give me some direction on guiding them through the difficult times and some strategies I can use to ease their minds.

I miss him and I get angry sometimes.   I don't know particularly what I'm angry about, nothing and everything all at the same time.  I'm not angry at Adam but I'm angry that he's gone.  Angry for him because I'm sure as hell that he is probably well pissed off that he is no longer here and angry for the boys because they have lost the most amazing father they could ever have hoped for and angry for me because I have lost my soul mate, best friend and lover.  How is that even possible? 

Its 11 weeks today that Adam passed away, It feels like 11 days.  Life is certainly moving on and I'm trying to move on with it only at a slower pace.  I feel like I am finally starting to set my own pace again and not being dragged through blindly and I am good with that.  Just keep moving Jodie.

"May my heart be kind, my mind fierce and my spirit brave".
Kate Forsyth, The Witches of Eileanan