Choices

You better grab yourself a cup of coffee and a tim tam for this blog, I can't believe it's been so long since I've written anything and there has a been a lot going on.

I've been drinking way to much and I've even had a couple of cigarettes which I feel awful about and very disappointed in myself,  I'm not exercising and I've been crying alot!  My body is aching and I look at myself in the mirror and think that I've aged 10 years.  I'm letting myself down and feeling battered for the way I have (not) been looking after myself.  Its time to make some positive changes, time to eat more fruit and vegetables, time to quit drinking Sunday - Thursday (OK, Mon - Thur) and its time to start exercising again and looking after my health, not just for me but for my boys too.  I've been taking Reef to run club twice a week at school and the kid is now faster than me when we run the 300 meters around the oval, not to mention the cross country training, I get left behind all the time.  I've got some work to do! 

The boys have gone back to school and Joel is at camp this week (which I'm on edge about).  Week one of term 2 was a little bumpy with me having to go and pick Joel up on the very first day back.  He was so distressed it broke my heart (and I think the guidence officers heart as well) but after day one the rest of the week went smoothly with no more phone calls for early pick ups.  I can't believe he's gone to camp this week.  Such a brave boy.  Reef the little legend is just soldiering on as strong as ever.  I am so proud of both my boys.

I did my first day back at the YMCA today it was such a difficult morning.  When I pulled into the driveway at work it felt like that elephant was back sitting on my chest again.  I couldn't breath and I couldn't control the tears.  It was the first time since Adam died that I was back there.  Why I pulled up into the same park that I was in the day Adam died I have no idea but when I realised I had, I just couldn't turn the engine off or my tears for that matter.  I wanted to reverse out of there so fast and get back home as soon as I could.  I cried and cried and told Adam that I couldn't do it.   I felt sick and panicked - how on Earth was I going to be able to do this.   I figured I had two choices (we always have choices),  I could text my boss and tell her that I was in the car park in a mess and that I couldn't do it or I could at least have the courage to  go and tell her in person that I couldn't do it.  I chose the second option,  I pulled myself together and dragged myself out of the car and very unsteadily walked through the front doors where I immediately bust into tears and told her "I couldn't do it" and that "it was too hard".  She was brilliant, she hugged me and put her arm around me and said softly "yes you can Jodie, yes you can".  We walked into the gymnastics hall and she said "you just help me set up and we will see how you go".  Then she held my hand for 5 hours while together we took 4 classes and she was right, I could do it, and I did.  

Five hours later I was exhausted and  I'm feeling pretty wrecked right now as well!   The balls in my court now, its up to me to make the next move about when to go back on a more regular basis.  (breath Jodie, breath). Decisions, decisions.

I was fortunate this weekend with my sister-in law (Adam's sister) coming to visit.  We had a fabulous time with lots of laughter, too much food and wine and generous amounts of howling; and I mean howling! Not just little lady cries but great big huge bellowing snotty cries.  I felt both relief and shock but slept extremely well that night.  I  feel blessed that I have an amazing family on both sides who are here for me and that are not afraid to grieve along side me.  We are happy to make our ugly faces together and we heave and sob and snort and then we feel a little better even if it is only for a short time.

There is no right or wrong on the grieving process I understand that, but for me I don't understand my own thoughts right now on the whole thing.  I find myself standing in the isle of Woolworths staring blankly at the shelves while people move past me and carry on.  It feels as though the floor is about to open up and I will fall through.  I have to stop myself from breaking down and I do that by blinking and shaking my head but then that shakes the image of Adam out of my head.  It stops me crying, but it makes me sad as well because I want to fill my  mind with Adam not stop the memory.  Sometimes I do want to hide in my bed and fill my mind with him and the adventures we had and the marvelous memories that I have of him.  I don't want to shake him out of my head, I want him to stay there forever just like he will be forever in my heart.  I can't believe he's gone.

I move through the shopping center trying not to be too observant because when I do I become a little distressed watching life "carry on".  Smiling couples holding hands and dads with kids are the two hardest for me to see and I don't want to think badly of these people but I can't help but feel the knife in my heart twist a little bit more each time I do.  Life moves forward, the world keeps turning and I'm doing my best not to spin out of control. 

I wish I had a crystal ball to see if we really will be OK.  I worry and I wonder what will become of the three of us?


xx Jodie