Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Is it really 6 months? Someone wake me up from this nightmare

Today is the six month anniversary of Adams death.  I think I am numb to the pain now - It sneaks up on me sometimes and slaps me till I cry but mostly I just feel numb.  Is that denial?

Its been a tough day with lots of tears while trying to keep busy so that I don't have to think about the fact that I've lost my husband.  Although he's not lost is he?  Its not like I can go to the lost and found department and ask if anyone has handed in an Adam Bowden please....  Wouldn't that be nice?  

I think I well and truly have my head stuck in the ground and I am not accepting/believing that this is happening  (And I'm quite happy there thank you very much.)  It still seems so untrue and so unfair. There are elements of anger starting to rear its ugly head and I'm a lot more cynical than I used to be - life's not so peachy after all.  Is it?    Yeah OK I admit it, I'm pissed off!

I kept the boys out of school today and we just fluffed around the house cleaning, dusting, washing
x-boxing.    We walked down to Adams Shrine and  we each left him a letter.  We went to the beach, had a picnic and threw the ball for the dog.  It was nice, I felt close to him.  While we were on the beach a White Bellied Sea Eagle came and went and circled us often, it was like he was following us. It was Adam.  I felt it and I spoke to him.  I told him I loved him.  The Sea Eagle is Adams favourite bird.  It was such an amazing time, for hours that bird was on the beach with us and there have been days when I walk along that very same beach and time and time again and I look and look for that bird but I never see him.  Today he was with us, truly with us.

I have this empty feeling inside more so than usual but I also have started blocking my feelings and my reality because I know how much it hurts.  Something is missing and it will never be replaced, I just have to learn to live with this abyss in my heart and hope that as life moves forward I learn to accept it and try to keep breathing.  Its pretty fucking shit! But what else can I do.  The tears just flow now I can't stop them. I don't sob any more,  I just cry tears. It's like I've surrendered to it all.  "Grief, you win!"

Adam always said "I'm going to live to be 100",  I always said "I'm happy with that because I don't want to go first".     I have to cope now though, I have to deal with it - Adams gone and I have to learn to keep on living.  For me and for the boys.  I think I'm angry that he went first and left me with all the hard decisions.

There is not a day that goes by that i don't think of Adam.   I laugh and cry at our memories and I wish there were more.  My only regret is that it didn't last longer, that we didn't have one more two more 20 more adventures together.  We didn't get to see the kids graduate from University and smile proudly together.  We didn't get to buy a boat and sail around Australia, we didn't get to enjoy Grandchildren.  We didn't, we didn't, we didn't.......there are just too many "we didn't"  Not fair!

Reef said to his psychologist that he is sad but the tears just don't come; his throat gets tight and he feels upset but there are no tears.  I get that, I am now feeling the same...... I am so sad and lost that the tears just don't come.    The sadness and grief I feel is not only mine but the boys as well.  I want to give them their dad back and if I could take on their grief and carry their load as well as my own I would in a heart beat.  I can do this for me but it breaks my heart 10 fold to see my boys heartbroken. 

I'm on automatic pilot, its the only way to be.  When people ask "How are you"?  I automatically say "Good thanks, how are you"?  (Just like normal right)?  But in fact I want to yell, f*cking shit!  Thanks for asking!    My rug has been pulled right out from under me without any warning and I am flat on my arse with stars spinning around my head and somehow I need to stand up and just get on with it - because if I didn't Adam would be so disappointed.  I keep living for him, I keep moving for my kids and I keep breathing for me.

Let me not die while I am still alive.”      (Rabbi prayer)

I am fortunate that I am surrounded by caring family and friends and an amazing community.  Some people are not so fortunate and struggle feeling alone and distressed as they face the unknown.  I am incredibly grateful for my family and friends who have done so much to help me through this incredibly difficult time.  There have been times when I was incapable of doing anything at all and my nearest and dearest took over and they continue to do so now for me and the boys.  Not occasionally but every day.  I am truly blessed to have such incredible people in my life and so fortunate that I am not alone.  As much as I feel loneliness, I know that I am never alone.

Check out this awesome piece on grief.  I think it nails it!

good explanation of grief


Jodie xxx

ps - lets not even begin to think about Fathers day ( uuurgh!)

psst Adam I love you xx