Thursday, 22 October 2015

3 days 3 months 16 years

So tomorrow would have been our 16th wedding anniversary and I wonder why I'm so upset.  I've caught myself a few times today having a little teary and wonder why it is so and then quickly realise exactly why!   I know I keep badgering on about how unfair it is but I can come up with no other words to describe how I feel about this whole shitty situation   Call it limited English or poor expression skills or even a blockage but I just can't get past "Its not fair".  I know I'm capable of being a sad sack when the situation is right but  mostly I am not a sad sack and then sometimes wonder if people think I'm the Ice Queen!.
 More often that not I can pull myself together, not cry and stay strong  but Wedding Anniversaries are special, they're different.  I think they are even more special than all the other days of the year; birthdays, fathers day and mothers day included.  Tomorrow would have been our day, our 16th wedding anniversary, who can even say that these days?  Our anniversary was a day we celebrated more than any other day of the year.  Adam wrote  this to me in a text  only 9 days before he passed away " Jodie, if I live to be 100 that will only be 71 Valentines days that I can show you how much I love you and frankly, that is not enough!  So I'm going to use the other 364 available days instead.  I love you more than I could ever say and if they were the only words I spoke until the sun went out, I would be happy".  I'm holding on to those words and wishing that he was writing them right now in my card to give me tomorrow.   I miss him so much.  I want to touch him,  I want to hold him,  I want to smell him.  I miss the familiarity, I miss the comfort.  I miss the confidence that comes with knowing that I can touch him and love him as freely and openly as I want and know that it will be returned  from him with the same confidence and knowing. I miss  holding  his hand.   I took our love for granted, I didn't realise just how soon it was going to end.......I can't ever imagine having that again.

I try to be strong, I try to be brave;  I try every day but sometimes I just can't be brave any more. Thankfully it's often at night when I let myself feel like this.  I don't need  support at these times, I don't feel desperate.   I just need to feel and I feel my emotions most when I am on my own;  when the kids are asleep when the dishes are done and  when I can truly just be and just grieve.   It's important to have these moments -  to feel raw and open - to feel my heart bleed.

So much has happened since my last blog, I wouldn't even know where to begin so I won't ; except to say that we survived not only fathers  day but a 2 week trip to Bali which we as a family experienced together before Adam passed away and surprisingly we survived without too much trauma.  We also survived Adams birthday which again passed without too many tears even though there were a few moments of anguish.  

Apparently the first year is the hardest dodging all the firsts,  but I can honestly say that every year will be difficult in its own way.  All the big ones will be tough whether it be birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, fathers and mothers day and the next big one Christmas? They are all going to be tough but what can you do except be strong, breath and trust that everything is going to be OK "one day".

I haven't written for a while because nothing has really changed, my life is still the same.  I've lost my love and I'm still not over it so I have chosen not to just repeatedly say the same thing every time.  "waaa, waaaaa, waaaa, - poor me".    Life goes on around me, keeps moving forward.    I catch up with people (acquaintances)  who I haven't seen me in months and its almost forgotten in their minds when they ask me "So what have you been doing with yourself" They have forgotten!  - Its rare, but that question has been asked believe it or not.     Hmmm, let me think about that answer- "ummmmm, grieving and surviving, that's what I've been doing since the last time you saw me"!  I'm not angry about it - but it does emphasise to me that the world really does keep turning (who am I to stop that 0r even expect that)?  

I am on the ebb and flow of the tide just like the rest of you but sometimes I'm the shell that gets left on the sand and the ocean moves around me and over me, sometimes sinking me and sometimes moving me and sometimes I'm stuck deep beneath the wet heavy sand.    A wave will eventually wash  over me and takes me back into the deep to bump around with you all but the heaviness will always be  there.  Always will be.

And so that is to be my journey and one day I will be OK.

Happy Anniversary Babe, I love you. xx

Now to a more positive note -  To all my friends who have been following my blog since the very beginning, my beautiful friend Mary whom this delightful blog was started for way back in February, has been to Russia for her stem cell transplant and is now safely back in her home in Mt Gambier.  I am so completely in awe of this amazing woman who has more strength and courage that any other human on this planet!  I love her to the moon and back and know that one day we will walk along the beach again holding hands and having very deep and meaningful discussions about life and the shitty cards we both have been dealt.  Check out her blog here Marys MS Mission to Moscow

This is Me Adam and Mary at just another crazy party - many, many, years ago. (about 12yrs) 

mmmmwah - Good night - sleep tight.

xx Jodie