Thursday, 16 April 2015

I miss you Adam

I've been a bit wobbly today, its been 8 weeks since Adam passed and I woke up this morning feeling exhausted and emotional and have been contemplating more than my navel today.  I'm really struggling with the whole 8 weeks thing.... The boys have been blissfully unaware as they spent their day filled with fun with their friends which I am very grateful for. 

This week as a whole has actually been pretty calm and at times peaceful.  I've bunkered down at home with kids (my own and the neighborhood) coming and going and we've eaten our way through a whole bunch of frozen meals which have been lovingly made by numerous friends, work colleagues and our school community.  The boys have filled their days with friends and holiday fun.; fishing, jetty jumping, BMX riding and hanging out playing x-box (perfect holiday really).  I've had numerous friends drop in and say hi, drink tea and coffee and the occasional wine on the deck and have generally felt OK. Sometimes I feel as though I'm coping but then I feel guilty, guilty that I feel OK.  Shouldn't I be in more of a mess than I am?  I'm afraid that I'm burying my grief and ignoring the enormity of what has happened   I don't want to be wracked with grief so fierce that I can't operate. It frightens me.

Today really wasn't a great day, I've been shaky for most it and felt on edge from the minute I opened my eyes and very teary.  I think I'm going to cry again. My heart is broken and I am so sad.  I miss him and I want him back (please)

How is it possible for life to carry on, when it feels like my world has stopped still.  My heart aches when I see kids and their Dads playing, laughing and living.  I feel robbed and I'm so heart broken for my children that they will never have that again.  Its so not fair.

I walk up to the wetlands almost everyday to visit "Adam" and today was no exception.  Its such a beautiful place, so peaceful and still.  I wanted to lie down on the ground today right where he fell but I couldn't;  I wondered what people would think if they happened to come around the corner and saw me lying there.  Why do we care what people think anyway?  I crave closeness with Adam.  Sometimes I reach into his wardrobe and hug his shirts and jackets, it feels a little like I'm hugging him but not the same.  The tears always fall.  

A very lovely lady sent me a link  and I would like to share it with you.  It helped me today (It took me three goes to get through it though) and if you think it might help you then you should take an hour out of your day and listen to it.  Here is the link     Tapping for grief

 I miss you Adam          

xx Jodes