Wednesday, 1 April 2015

Decision made

Right, well it seems that I'm not really that bad at making decisions.......We bought a puppy and I've told work that I won't be back next term (unless there is an emergency and they are short staffed)!  So now at 9:30 on a Wednesday night I have had two crying children and a crying dog and the additional financial worry of not going back to work.....hmmmm, they both seemed like good decisions at the time.

I must say though the new puppy is very cute, she is in fact adorable, a little black fluff ball with the cutest little squished up face.  I can't help but love her.  Don't you just love that new puppy smell?  Her little feet and floppy ears- sheesh..  I'm not quite as fond of the multiple wees and poos on my floor though. That will be a challenge for me and my fear of other peoples and animals bodily fluids.    We are off to the vet tomorrow for a checkup and chat to make sure she is ok and to get her vaccinated and micro-chipped.  I think I will call into Woolworths as well to grab some baby wipes and disinfectant wipes.  Watching the boys play and cuddle with our new addition to team Bowden is heart warming and I couldn't help but smile today as they laughed and lay on the floor with her.  I'm so glad we decided to get Lil Miss Coco-Loco.

What is it about night time that always makes the grief worse?  Why does it feel heavier?  Why is it harder to breath.  I keep telling my children to "take nice, deep breathes" while I struggle to take them myself.  Joel has started having panic attacks which completely breaks me and Reef has started crying which,  I'm both relieved and heartbroken that it's starting to come out for him.  There is no right or wrong way to deal with these moments, I can only ride the wave along side my boys and try and talk them through the worst of it.  Sometimes my words help and sometimes they don't, sometimes they make it worse but I never know how the boys will react until I speak.  I can't not tell them how I feel, I can't try and hide my own grief, I need to share with them and be honest with them when they ask question no matter how left field those questions might be.  Reef my inquisitive little soul always asks the tricky/clinical questions which are always the hardest to answer while Joel, my sensitive little soul always asks the emotional questions like "why"?  How do I answer that?  I don't have an answer for him except to say that "Daddy is still here with us, he may not be here physically but he is certainly still here looking out for us".  "His big strong wings will always surround us and will keep us safe". 

The boys and I have promised each other that we will continue to live life, to honor Adam and keep on doing the things that Adam loved to do.  We will need to help each other out a little bit more each time we do those things.  If we go camping we will help each other set up, if we go surfing the boys have told me they will teach me what Adam taught them so that I can "learn to surf too".  We will do more road trips and adventures together.  We will step into the river of life and continue our journey that we began with Adam.  Because we deserve that and Adam would want that. 

This may be my last post for a week or so. We are heading off on our first road trip - woohoo - its Easter and a time to spend with family and friends so that is what we are doing.  I do not own a working laptop and my mothers computer is a bit dodgy and I will be too busy drinking wine with friends to ask if I can borrow their computer so I will speak with you again when I get home.  (Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring me a new laptop).  Take care everyone and Happy Easter.

xx Jodie