Sunday, 12 April 2015

Slowly slowly

I feel like I am in a cloud, a heavy cloud, a cloud that is distorting me and my feelings.  I feel nothing, but I feel everything at the same time.  I'm walking on egg shells waiting for my kids to fall in a heap and at the same time trying to keep it together myself. 

Its been over a week now since I blogged and the longer I don't blog, the easier it is not to.  It's much easier to not write because that means I don't have to feel and not feeling is a much easier option but I know that by  not recognising and facing my emotions I am only putting off the inevitable and that is the rollercoaster ride that is GRIEF.   (Hey, now there's a great name for a new ride at any number of theme parks out there- "The Grief") 

I've spent the last week on the Gold Coast with my family and some very good friends.  I swam everyday - oh and it was fresh, cold and amazingly beautiful.  There is something very special about the power of a wave and diving underneath to the sandy bottom to avoid been tumble turned by the enertia that is a moving power force.  Just makes you feel alive.   Swimming in the ocean is like nothing else and I love it.  I don't always last a long time, but I love it.  

Knowing I was on the Coast for 7 nights was a challenge of sorts.  As much as I enjoyed being there, by the 5th night I was ready for my Island home and so were my kids.  Joel said to me at one point "Mum, I want to go home.  Its been too long"  And I agreed.   

When we finally arrived home I think all three of us took a nice long breath and smiled.  There really is no place like home, and I love and appreciate mine.  I love my community, I love my friends, I love my environment.  I can't imagine being anywhere else and I have no intention of going anywhere anytime soon.  I am very blessed. 

I had a friend visit yesterday who I have known forever, she was the photographer at our wedding.  She came armed with gifts for me.  She had had a series of our wedding photos re-printed and enlarged - WOW (you can imagine the tears hey).  Adam and I looked like babies.  The way we looked at each other, you can see the love.  I can't believe that we found each other and had such an incredible 18 years and I equally can't believe that he has  been taken away from me so soon.  It really isn't fair but what can you do?  Nothing will bring him back and he would be pissed off if he saw be crumbling in the corner not able to breath or move or take care of our kids and so it is that I continue to get up every morning, breathe, say "yes" to the world and the flow of life, feed my kids and keep them safe.  I keep moving. 

The little puppy has been a God send for the kids and for me.  She is adorable and she absolutely loves being smothered with love that all of us give her.  I am not enjoying the weeing and pooping or whinning at 5am in the morning, but you have to take the good with the bad - such is life.   I would recommend a puppy to anyone who is grieving - honestly it is the best thing that I have done for my family and I in the last 7 weeks.  

I can't believe it will be 8 weeks on Thursday that Adam passed away.  It only seems like yesterday.  I will never forget that sequences of events that happened between 11am and 4:30pm on that day.  From the second the police officers came to my work to the moment I had to tell my two beautiful innocent little boys that their Dad had died and their incomprehensible wails that came.  Our lives changed forever that day but their little souls and the loss they were and continue to feel is debilitating.  It feels like my chest is in a vice and slowly being crushed, some times the ache is all encompassing right down to my knees.  Yes I'm hurting, yes I'm angry, yes I'm sad.  But yes I will continue to step into the river of life and live, yes I will continue to teach my children to have fun and yes I will continue to grow and to help my children become the best men that they can be.  I hope I do a good job.

Is crazy what little things set me off..........this afternoon I made a coffee,, it was a plunger coffee and I had to pull the plunger out of the cupboard.  I haven't used that plunger since Adam and I and the kids did our road trip to Sydney in the January school holidays.  So seeing that little red plunger sent me into a spin - crazy hey?

Thanks for tuning in, sorry its been a while.  It took a bit to get back to my keyboard but here I am.  Easter and the school holidays really weren't as easy as I would have hoped but like I keep saying, "one step at a time Jodie", "keep breathing Jodie" "slowly, slowly Jodie".