Tuesday, 24 March 2015

Questions?

I've been wondering these last few days whether or not to continue with this blog, it's scary sitting down to type how I feel, most nights I don't even know what I'm going to write.  I don't care who reads it, its more about me getting out how I feel.  Some might think that would be better in a personal journal but I write differently in journals.  When I write my blog , believe it or not it's a more honest words to paper kind of thought process maybe because I can type as fast as I can think (almost),  I certainly can't write that fast so it comes out more raw I suppose.   I know its been almost a week since my last post but that is one of the reasons why.

I've been debating with myself whether or not I should continue with "Over the Rim of my Glass".   Really? How much do people want to hear?  I looked on my stats before I started tonight and so far there have been 6756 people who at some point read my blog.  That astounds me!  I also am very new to blogging, in fact I've never even followed one myself so that number may be small in the world of blogging,  I don't know?  But to me that number still is astounding.  

So any way, where was I?  Its been quite the roller coaster ride since my last post, mostly downs and not many ups.  My kids (particularly Joel) have not been great.   I've been on a consistent wobbly course with very little direction.  I had my first vomit since Adam passed away and then I had a remarkably stressful (Centerlink rejection) then peaceful day today.

Last week my eldest son Joel was writhing around on the floor complaining of tummy cramps.  I thought he was transferring his grief to his gut and was thankful that there were less tears but concerned at the intensity of the cramps .  It turns out he had a gastro bug which eventuated in raging temperatures, vomiting and diarrhoea (great mum I am hey?)  So needless to say he spent zero days at school last week whilst my youngest Reef pulled up his socks, put on a brave face and carried on.  Then I question myself by asking if that is an OK thing, "should Reef be crying more"?

By Friday afternoon Joel was well again and we took a little road trip down to Coffs Harbor to help celebrate my brother in laws 50th birthday.......what an emotionally draining night that was, but I am so glad that we went.  It was nice to just hang out, cry, and reminisce about some of the wonderful moments that we've all had with Adam.  I actually didn't drink much that night but by Sunday morning it all got too much and I had an uncontrollable urge to vomit! And I did.   I wondered if it was the same gastro bug that Joel had or if it was all just getting too much for me and I just couldn't stomach it any more.  I think it was the later.........

Grief like this is something I've never experienced in my life before.  I've lost elderly  Grandparents and a very small number of friends but I have been fortunate in my life that I have never had to bury someone whose death ripped my heart out and shattered it into a million pieces.    My heart aches as I write this even imagining having to go through it again. 

Why Adam?    Why did this happen to me?  Why are we here? Why? Why? Why?. 

I've actually had a not bad 24 hours in fact the second half of today was probably the best half a day yet.  I hope its as good tomorrow, and that I've just not been comfortably in denial today.

Today, I managed with the help of two amazing, beautiful and insightful friends to feel close to Adam, like he was really here  and to actually feel him around me for the first time since he passed away. I am so grateful.  I feel like I spent the morning with him,  I even made him a cup of coffee and sat on our deck (we loved to drink coffee there) drinking it with him and it was good.  The moment was calm and I felt at ease for the first time in a long time. 

The boys came home from school and Joel was clearly distressed, we lay on his bed and chatted about Adam in a way that was happy and light and I managed to ease him gently out of his grief and into a place of joy.  The boys and I went for a walk on the beach and talked in a way that we haven't talked since the 19th February and actually had a peaceful, even if somewhat sombre stroll along the waters edge and up to the wetlands to water Adams tree, and we were OK.

I know my life has changed dramatically, my heart is truly aching as I write this post, its a physical dull ache but I refuse to fall into the abyss - I am tethered to this life for my children and to honour Adam and the life he helped create for us.  I will survive because I have amazing, strong wilful, and loving family and friends who are creating the most amazing safety net around me.  And I have Angels who I know are there, including Adam who has the biggest set of white wings wrapped around the boys and I and  I have no doubt that we will be OK. 

xx Jodie