Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Breath Jodie

Well, that storm I told you about sure did come.  It came in a big way! It came, it conquered and it ripped my heart from my chest and turned my brain to mush.  It's been 13 days since my last post and about 10 days since I failed FebFast.  I failed because, on Thursday the 19th February 2015 my life came to an almighty stop.  My world ended.  The police came to work.  They told me Adam had died.

My beloved husband, my everything, my love.  You see he had a heart condition called Hyper-trophic, obstructive, cardio-myopathy.  Heart disease.  A hereditary condition.  Adam was diagnosed two years ago and hated his cardiologist for telling him that he could no longer be active, he could no loner lift heavy things, he could no longer surf, he could no longer wrestle with his two beautiful little boys (he ignored that order), he could no longer run, he could no longer get his heart rate up ever!  He hated his cardiologist and got a second opinion from another cardiologist at the same practise who told him exactly what the first cardiologist told him.  Adam hated him too.  He then sought a third opinion from a different practise and Cardiologist,  who told him she couldn't find any evidence of Cardio-Myopathy.  Adam loved her!

He had a new lease on life again; he lost weight, he started exercising, he started surfing, and he started running.......... That was November 2014.  Then it happened, on Thursday the 19th of February  he took his blood pressure at 9:30am (it was better than most peoples) and took himself off for a run..............at about 11:45am the police were at my work giving me the worst news any loving wife could ever imagine; that my one and only,  the love of my life had collapsed and had passed away. Quickly, suddenly and without a sound.

The next two hours were a blur.  I remember the rain, I remember the tears, I remember the gut wrenching howls as my managers at work tried in vain to comfort me.  What the fuck was I going to do?  How on Earth was I going to survive?  What words would I use to tell my beautiful little boys (9yrs & 11yrs) that their amazing dad would not be coming home tonight?  How do I survive?

My life has changed irrevocably.  I can't imaging how I'm going to make it to Easter.  I wake up each day and my mantra is "one day at a time Jodie,"  "Just keep breathing Jodie", "one foot in front of the other Jodie".  And I do.....that's all I do.  When my children break down, I hold them.  When I break down, they hold me and rub my back and tell me "one day at a time Mummy, deep breaths Mummy".  "We will be OK, Mummy".  But will we?

Adam was our compass, Adam was our anchor, Adam was the wind in our sails....He made the adventures happen, he kept us living.  He was an incredible man and I feel so blessed that he was my husband even if it was for too short a time.  We were married for 15 years, together for 18 and it only felt like 3.  It was over before it had begun......there was so much more to do.

Needless to say, FebFast was an epic fail.  I fell off the waggon on Sunday the 22nd February.......I didn't go to the wedding, I didn't go to the 18th.   I was hiding under my blankets snuggling my dear little children but on the Sunday my mother urged me to have a glass of wine - I thought about saying no, but I also thought it would help ease the pain.  It didn't.  It still hurt and it still hurts now.

I don't really know why I'm writing this blog, but my amazing friend Sam thought it would be good for me, and she is a wise woman, so I took her advice and just went blurgh!  So here I am.  She also set up along with my beautiful Mary my very own Go fund me page (who would have thought).  Here is the link, and it is also in the top right of this page.  So far the love, kindness and compassion has been heart warming. Team Bowden

Thank you and

Cheers Jodie x