Tuesday, 17 March 2015

Vitamin Sea

I realise it has been a while since I last blogged - Its just been too hard to do.  Friday was a good day but then it just spiralled down hill from there over the weekend and into the beginning of this week.

On paper it sounds pretty good, my sister and her adorable two cherubs came to visit on Saturday and the two of us went out into town to see a play ( a silly play at that) and although it was a great hour of distraction, something happens when you fall back to reality with a thud,  it's almost like the grief doubles.  On Sunday my brother and his wife came with a picnic for all of us and we sat on the beach eating and swimming and kicking the football.  Nice right?  In a normal existence, yes!

I let the boys have Monday off school so that they could hang with their cousins but as the day moved on, the clouds  got blacker and the air thicker for all of us.  

I actually ended up at the Doctors yesterday after a weekend of little sleep and too much wine.  The wine really doesn't help in fact it only adds to the depression and loneliness that is my life right now.  It doesn't matter how many hugs I get, how many phone calls or texts I get to see if I'm OK or how many knowing nods I get from friendly faces.  The heaviness is over bearing.  Seeing Joel so distraught as he lies in the foetal position hugging a photo of Adam crying "why, why, why" Is so unbearable.  I struggle to calm him down and I wish that I could take his pain away while Reef on the other hand is being Mr Strong;  he is doing his best to hold it together and this morning when I told him that it's OK to cry, he told me "I can't cry mummy, but I'm really sad inside and it just really hurts in my throat".  My 9 year old doesn't need to be the strong one, neither does my 11 year old for that matter.  Adam was our strong one and we all miss him so much. I some how need to find it within me to become the strong one.

My visit to the Doctor resulted in a prescription for sleeping tablets (I refused antidepressants)  and as a result, I slept through last night and actually woke up feeling capable of facing the world again.  Unfortunately for me it wasn't so for Joel who was too distraught for school and so both boys had yet another day off.  We started our morning off with a stroll down to our beach which has fondly become known as "Bowden Beach" (in our house hold anyway) for a delightful high tide swim and our daily dose of vitamin sea to wash away the sadness.

Then instead of hanging around the house moping and feeling sorry for ourselves, we ventured out to beautiful Wellington Point and had fish a chips for lunch and a lovely walk on the beach.  Just what the doctor ordered, much better than anti-depressants. 

So right know as I sit here talking to you, I feel OK.  Joel is downstairs lost in the TV and Reef has found a friend and gone fishing off the old jetty.  Its his favourite place to be.  I will try and carry on.  I will try and be brave even though I am afraid of the 5 stages of grief that a friend pointed out to me last night.  Its going to be a long, scary painful journey but I know that the only way out of it is to ride the waves and after a dumping in the sand I need to push myself to the surface and breath again.

xx Jodie