Sunday, 8 March 2015

Contemplations

The last two days have been a blur of depression - It just hit me like a train ploughing through my shoulder blades straight through my heart and out my chest on the other side.  I think Thursday was the worst with headaches nausea and a 2 hour sleep at 11am.  On Friday an amazing group of my beautiful girlfriends came together and we did a Puja for Adam (a meditation and chant) which was beautiful.  There were lots of tears at the end a glass of wine and walk on the beach in the fullest of moons to throw copious amounts of flower petals into the water and say good bye.  It was sad, happy and a little uplifting even if that moment only lasted a little while.  I can't imagine that squeeze around my heart ever releasing, I think its always going to be there.  I can only hope that in time the pressure will release and I will relax again.  I feel like a robot on auto pilot.  Everyday is a new day with a new sun rise but it still hurts.

I realised my childrens pain a little more on Saturday when we went to one of their friends birthday parties.  My two precious little boys held back when we arrived staying close to my side and not wanting to join in the party shenanigans.  There were pool games and soccer games, chocolate cake and lollies but they weren't interested in anything but staying close to me and as I looked around all the beautiful faces of the little children playing so carefree and happy in the sunshine kicking balls and bomb diving, my two were just little blank canvases, their faces dead pan.  It broke my heart a little more (if that is possible).  I wasn't in the best frame of mind myself and I struggled to keep it together while holding them firm. 

Eventually, the boys ventured into the pool and joined in the soccer game and of course after an hour or two they were playing and smiling, not laughing but smiling. It's  a start right?  Its a tough gig this death thing........


I got to spend this morning at Duranbah Beach, I grew up on the Tweed Coast and spent a lot of time at D'Bah and Rainbow Bay, it really is a special part of the world and I have so many wonderful memories of playing on that very same beach when I was just a kid.   While I was there watching my kids frolic in the waves I did a lot of contemplating and daydreaming of the past when life was better.  I was wondering about my life and the future of my children.  I didn't really come up with anything Earth shattering but I enjoyed the moment of being there with my boys and their friends.   It was tough standing on that beach and asking over and over why this happened? Why my dreams have been shattered? What is the meaning of it all?  As I watched the surfers catching waves and the little groms dropping in all I could think of was who was going to teach my boys the rules of surfing and when "not" to drop in.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many strong women who have helped me and are continuing to help me through this devestating time in my life.   After my beach frolic, I had a very casual but important (for my stress levels to go down) coffee date with two beautiful girl friends who just happen to be an accountant and a financial advisor and they have given me a direction to plan for the future which I am very grateful for....Thank you girls.

I know that life will be ok eventually and that life will continue to go on.  One of the most painful thoughts that always brings me undone is when I think about the future and its not just about money and where it will comes from but when i think about life itself with Adam not in it.  I can't imagine living like we did without him here,  I know I will "live" but I won't live my life that was a life so full of life now that he is not here because he is what filled my life with life and love and fun and adventure.

xx Jode