Friday, 13 March 2015

One more time x

Oh to be here just one more time, to nibble on his ear and tell him I love him.

Today was actually an OK day, I'm still breathing.  One of my very good friends rang me up and said "I'm taking you out for lunch!  Somewhere nice!  Where should we go?"  The first place that sprang to mind was Sirromet Winery.  I've never been there before and after living in the area for over 10 years that is pretty pathetic that I've never been and so it was the perfect place to be. 

It was so lovely.  We sat down and had a beautiful lunch and an equally beautiful bottle of wine and talked like there was nothing wrong.   For a moment or two I even forgot my woes.......and it was nice.     Life does go on, life moves forward like a tide ebbing and flowing and all the "stuff" just comes and goes.  For me, my "stuff" stays with me but for the rest of the world, life just keeps turning.  Life must go back to "normal".  Is there such a thing?  What is normal?  I was such a rule follower, an etiquette instiller, but now, I don't know the rules......I'm confused, lost and disorientated.  What does that mean?  I don't even know.

I'm trying to make life "normal" for my kids.  Both of them have friends having a sleep over tonight with a friend each.  They are happy, here is laughter in the house again.  The distraction of friendship is a marvellous thing.  I on the other hand will be sleeping in my bed on my own for the very first time since Adam passed away and I have to admit I'm a little bit anxious.   I think I may have to take my mother up on her offer of a sleeping tablet. 

Wow, my life is so different.  Scary......

I know I will wake up each day, I will make the school lunches, I will take opportunity in Saturday morning sleep ins, I will do the washing, I will vacuum the floors and clean the toilets......that's just life and that's the easy bit.  The hard bit will be planning camping trips, Easters, birthdays and school holidays.  Without Adam, even though I know its possible and doable, its just more difficult.  But it will happen, it may not happen over night, but it will happen.  I believe that.  I have to.

The last two days have been a disaster, horrible and very distressing but I woke up this morning and put my big girl knickers on, shook my head, had a cold shower got dressed and did my best at living.  And it was a better day than yesterday, so tomorrow I will attempt to do the same.  I've been taking my own advice and taking myself and my kids (and my mother) down to the beach for our daily dose of Vitamin Sea and it is working a treat, I tell them "we need to wash the sadness away".   Tomorrow will be no different, we will venture down in the howling wind and immerse ourselves in salt water.

Remember always.  to hold your loved ones close and never be afraid to say "I love you". 

xxx  Jodes