Thursday, 26 March 2015

Birthdays

Today was the first of many firsts to come.  Today was my birthday, the first one without Adam for 18 years.  After the previous two days of feeling slightly normal I came crashing back to Earth with a whopping thud!  I don't know how long I cried for up in my bedroom before I fell into a fitful sleep but the exhaustion of it just overcame me and I could resist it no longer.

My afternoon did get better with a stroll to the beach with a couple of bottles of Moet and a couple of beautiful girlfriends.  We sat on the sand and sipped our bubbles, went for a quick dip in the sea and ate smoked salmon and king prawns.  Not a shabby birthday feast I must say.  When my boys arrived home from school they came bounding up the beach to plant a nice big birthday kiss on each cheek.  I love them so much.  I missed Adam ALOT today and thought of him constantly.  I imagined his big strong arms around me giving me a huge birthday hug and I would have given anything for it to be real.  Sometime when I let myself get lost in my imagination and search my mind for some/any memory of him the heaviness in my chest takes my breath away.  My head pounds and my stomach churns with the desire to have him back and the emptiness that comes with the realisation that its never going to happen no matter how much I wish for it is overwhelming  I realise that that big beautiful man is never going to wrap his arms around me again and then I cry. 


I've been processing a lot this week in regards to what is happening to me, and the incredible amount of support that I am still receiving from so many caring and thoughtful people and I am having a few pangs of guilt.  I have some girl friends and family members who are going through marriage separations and although they have not lost their husbands through a tragedy like I have they have still lost a husband/partner in another way.  Like me the are now single parents, one income, children to raise, work to attend, bills to pay, mortgages to worry about and generally having to keep on trudging through life, but they are doing it without the same support that I am getting.  I feel for them and watch in wonder as they face their own day to day battles.  Most of these woman have all been a huge part of my healing through their thoughtful acts of kindness.  I am truly blessed to have such amazing beautiful women that I can call my friends and who I can call sister.

xx Jodie